|
It was happening again. Richard was taking over center stage. The Officers of our Society became restless. Although Richard was only an invited guest, he was nevertheless outlining our Society's program for the coming year in his familiar clear, crisp style. Richard was well known as the local take-over artist with a powerful need to be top dog. He was an expert at it, being intelligent, a skillful organizer of occasions and people - even when the same people were more than a little annoyed, as they were now.
Of course Richard always managed a good excuse for his top dog needs. This time it was that although only an invited guest, he was after all Chairman of the Board of Directors. With years of experience in the art of placing himself center stage he was impressive to watch. His programs for the coming year of our Society were clever and very doable. It would be difficult for anyone to resist such a show of effectiveness without looking foolish. Besides, winning against Richard was all but impossible. He was not one to lose a power struggle, even in the cutthroat world of his profession. Melia, the President of our Society, showed neither anger nor resentment at the obvious power grab. She merely sat up a little straighter than usual, a sweet smile on her face as she let Richard appropriate the meeting - again! Why had she invited him to come? Surely past experience must have told her what Richard would do. Didn't Melia mind that he had repeatedly usurped her role as President of the Society? I knew of her exasperation with Richard, having giggled with her about his domineering manner, especially toward women. Then why had she invited him to the meeting having known him for years, and knowing his need to be the one in charge? And why rather than getting angry, did Melia maintain her benign dignity and her sweet smile? At appropriate times she even encouraged Richard with a few practical words. Looking back, I realize that Melia, instead of indulging in a power struggle with Richard, used his organizational talents to make her tenure as President one of the most successful. She may also have averted serious rifts in our Society that could have taken years to heal. Was it just that she was being a clever politician? An experienced politician she certainly is. But she is more than that. Melia had grown up with the concept that the preeminent distinction for a woman to achieve is to become a lady. And for her, being a lady did not mean a subservient role. Rather she understood it as a role of competence and importance, one that gets things done while making life more pleasant. That understanding helped make her the past president of every one of our town's associations. And by now, at age 86, she has had a lifetime of experience at keeping the peace while getting things done. Did her being a lady mean that she is out of date, a relic of the past? I don't think so. Perhaps she is more modern than the rest of us who have relinquished the concept of being a lady - or of being a gentleman and what that implies. How did we lose this effective approach to living and working with each other? What made us become less gracious, even at times downright nasty, in our interactions? How and when did this change come about? My memory of the transformation takes us back into the 1970's when many of us sought to create gender equality. Being a professional woman who had been held back from the full utilization of her productivity, I had great hopes for gender equality. But the societal changes of the 1970's were not solely restricted to equality of professional opportunity. Also considered of primary importance were "honest" expressions of feelings and emotions. Such "honest" expressions were interpreted to mean that declarations of anger, resentment, even hate, reflect sincerity and integrity. Since the concept of "lady" or "gentleman" were presumed to be manifestations of gender inequality as well as emotional dishonesty, being a lady or a gentleman not only dated you but also implied that you were an undesirable prevaricator. And so "lady" and "gentleman" became loathsome words. They disappeared from our vocabulary, and even from the doors of our public facilities. However, all that "honesty" and the frequently unsuccessful attempts at gender equality extracted a price. We lost what Melia so successfully demonstrated; that being a lady can create desirable results. Her highly productive tenure as President was achieved with surprisingly little tension. Superficially Richard's take-over was a major reason for her tenure's successes. But Melia not only allowed the "take-over" to take place, she made sure that Richard's ideas worked - organizing the manning of booths and getting people together. Despite Richard's show of being top dog, Melia had always been in charge. Hers was not a secondary role. To the contrary! Further, she had seen to it that there would be no rancor, no rifts, no expressions of rage. By the end of her term she even managed to galvanize Richard into becoming a gentleman. When I was a child and young woman I thought that the word "gentleman" derived from gentle man. That meant that a "gentleman" was a man who did not strut around showing off his superior physical strength, his superior abilities or social status. It implied that a "gentleman" was a nurturing male, one who knew himself to be so powerful he could afford to be gentle. He did not have to make a macho presentation of himself. Only a weak man did that. A gentleman was a truly adult male. Somehow this concept must have stayed with me. Many years later this gentle male became one of the main characters of my reading series. For that is what Vad of Mars is - a gentle male. Powerful; yes. He even has rockets for feet! But Vad uses his strengths not as a bully or to place others into an inferior role. Instead he uses his power and abilities to save others in need. He doesn't trample the weak; he nurtures them so they'll become strong. Vad is so powerful a male that he isn't afraid that by being gentle he'll be labeled a sissy. Vad is a gentleman. 
For those who think the notion of "gentleman" is passé, here comes a surprise. Vad, the gentle, nurturing and powerful male is one of the most beloved characters in the reading series. Little girls as well as little boys adore Vad; an adoration that lasts into adulthood. So much so that a young male college student asked to write a term paper "What Vad Means to Me" for his English class. This student at age four had been taught to read with the series. His reaction reflects the profound emotional and societal need for true ladies and gentleman. The response of all these youngsters tells us that the concept of "ladies" and "gentlemen" is far from passé. Rather, the concept speaks to something that is missing in our world - a world that has discarded the wisdom of centuries as to what works in human relations. And a lady? My conceptualization as a child was that it meant a woman who is so aware of her capabilities that she too has no need to proclaim her superior power. She is a nurturer, and like her gentleman counterpart creates a genial scene for those around her. To me, being a lady meant getting things done by being a model of politeness, good manners and thoughtfulness. Nor did being a lady mean a position of inferiority in her relation to the gentleman. I had envisioned that being a lady implied a position of power - which is what Melia demonstrated. Only a weak woman, uncertain of her abilities, would have to demand, even shriek, rave and rant in a vain attempt at getting things done; or the other alternative, put on a show of the weak sister as a form of manipulation in order to get her way. Toward the end of Melia's term we saw a demonstration of how effective being a lady can be. Richard, despite his top dog needs, actually turned into a gentleman. Had he learned something important from Melia? Where previously he had given orders to Officers and Board members of our Society, he now used considerable charm in what had become requests, rather than orders. At the same time he appeared more aware that he couldn't take credit for the work of others, even when that work was done at his suggestion. As a gentleman Richard was a success. Much to the surprise of many of us, we began to like him. And Richard liked being liked. His disposition actually blossomed. He became another of Melia's achievements. Does Melia get credit for her achievements? Why else would she have been the past president of every one of our town's associations? But would she have gotten more credit for her accomplishments had she been a man? Alas, probably yes. Which was one of the reasons why in the 1970's the concept of the "lady" was rejected. Although being a lady or a gentleman can function as equally powerful roles, there was and still is a tendency not to acknowledge that fact - even when they are blatantly equal. Gender inequality and even the rejection of the concept of the gentleman are not altogether new. Some of the blame has to go to my own profession. Eminent psychologists of the early 20th century often vehemently disapproved of what they called the "gentle male" of the Victorian age. In the June, 2000 issue of The American Psychologist, Henry L. Minton describes how distinguished psychologists championed macho training of boys, even bullying, in order to avoid male "feminization." These eminent academicians, whose domain as psychology department heads included the field of education, indulged their own macho display by frequently blocking outstanding female graduate students from getting their doctorates. Even now, although female psychology students are not prevented from getting their degrees, tenure professorships tend to go to male colleagues. And so, despite the renunciation of the ideal of the "lady" and the "gentleman", gender equality, especially in the work place, continues to elude us. Could it be that in order to achieve genuine gender equality we will have to reclaim the ideal of the "lady" and the "gentleman"? The bullying and macho behavior encouraged by our belated psychologists and today's TV and movie presentations have created the implication that a "gentleman" is a weakling or worse, a sissy. Not so subtly this implies that a real man asserts himself by pushing others around - or worse. Even in academic circles, and certainly in the computer field, we see women having their advancement obstructed by male "assertiveness." Women, in turn, in their attempt to achieve work place equality find it difficult to be ladies. By their very nature the role of "lady" and "gentleman" are linked. For if men are not gentlemen it becomes all but impossible for women to be ladies. And if women are not ladies it is equally difficult for men to be gentlemen. Very few of us have Melia's experience and expertise. Yet as our youngsters in their adoration of Vad and his friends demonstrated, there is a profound yearning to resurrect the ideal of the "lady" and the "gentleman". In order to achieve this ideal in today's world we need to recognize the roles for what they are - equally powerful and therefore equally desirable. Also to be recognized is that the concept of the "lady" and the "gentleman" entails rules of behavior. These rules of conduct, because they make human interactions more pleasant and more peaceful, enhance the effectiveness of our relationships. How do we create this modern version of the "lady" and the "gentleman" that our children long for and our society needs? Vad's fans may have pointed the way; which is to tell and write stories (including for TV and the movies) that exemplify, even idealize, the kind of people we want our children to become. It is what parents and teachers have always done throughout the ages in their striving to transmit rules and ideals of behavior. That, however, means rejecting our own fondness for aggressive, even belligerent, males (and horror of horrors, nowadays even females) that are portrayed in movies and on TV. As long as we transmit our admiration for antagonistic and cutthroat behavior, that's what our children will consider desirable and will want to imitate. And if we ourselves act with macho-combative bravado and aggressiveness, then we are also transmitting that that's the behavior to be emulated. We saw in the figure of Vad and his friends how much the alternative to the macho-combative males and females resonates with both little boys and girls. Their reaction is all the more meaningful given the increasing number of abusive men and single mothers in today's society. Perhaps our children are intuitively aware that all that aggressiveness and belligerence has been detrimental. They see first hand that the assumption that you have to be antagonistic in a nasty world is counterproductive. And so there is in our children a genuine yearning for an alternative to combative males and females, or antagonistic males and squashed females. Nor is the yearning for the "lady" and the "gentleman" that Vad's fans demonstrated restricted to the stories about him. Repeatedly in my office these fans showed themselves eager to learn the consideration and manners that are associated with being a lady and a gentleman. Ten-year old Joe was such a boy. Joe had been diagnosed with hyperactive-attention deficit disorder after repeatedly acting out in his classroom. He was not the sort of youngster one would expect would be eager to learn about courtesy. Certainly his school would have thought the notion out in left field. Their testing had shown the child in a most unfavorable light. Joe's parents were at their wits end as to how to handle both the school and their son. In response to the school's demands the frantic parents had gone to their pediatrician for help. He had been more than willing to prescribe the drugs the school required. And yet, when I demonstrated to Joe some of the rituals of manners with the introduction of "Let me show you how it's done," the child had no problems paying attention. Instead he looked on with interest. Then he joined me in the play-acting of polite manners with fascination and aplomb. Both of us laughed a lot at how much fun it is to be "nice." On their return visit to my office Joe's parents greeted me with "whatever you did, it worked. The school is sure it was the drugs. You know how they insisted - that if we didn't put Joe on drugs he'd have to go into the special classes. But we never had the prescription filled. Of course we didn't tell them that. We just let them think it was the drugs." It would have been hard to explain to the school that Joe's short play-acting session of manners and thoughtfulness had produced the results they applauded. But then it also came as a surprise to me how eager children are to learn the courtesy and decorum that are presumed to be passé. Intuitively our children yearn and long for a world of "ladies" and "gentlemen" - despite, and even amidst, their games of aggressive mayhem. Their longings are the explanation of why all our students responded with such eagerness to Vad and the introduction of the courteous interactions that are the hallmark of the "lady" and the "gentleman." Are our children showing us that we, as the adults of our society, should also yearn for the polite interactions of men and women? That, however, would require the rejection of the macho-combative ideal, which encourages and revels in antagonistic encounters. It would mean replacing such encounters with Melia's skill and expertise. Skill and expertise necessitates thought and thoughtfulness, which demand a lot more brainwork than a macho-combative display. But wouldn't it be a pleasure as well as a relief to have courteous and considerate interaction of equals? That is what being modern ladies and gentlemen would be about. |